Breathing Wine

The Original Angry Birds

Diabetic

A doctor received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I took too much insulin this morning," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" he asked.

"No," she answered. "I'm a blonde."

Emotional Extremes

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three universities were attending their first class on Emotional Extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Oxford University, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness" said the student. 

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Cambridge.

"Elation" she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Dublin University, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The student replied, "I believe that would be giddy up."

How many women can a man marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Lawyer Race

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to, " the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you"

The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

It Takes Skill

How the Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people: one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three
people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $38,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Common Sense

American Constitution

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.
 
"Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it? "
 
"Shall I open the window? "
 
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. "
 
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution? "
 
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? "
 
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about, 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms'"

Q: What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world?

A: A girl who is free for the evening.

Ballet

A mother took her six-year-old daughter to the famed Ballet de France.

This was the first time the little girl had ever seen a ballet and she watched wide-eyed as the ballerinas pranced around the stage on their toes. When the ballet was over, the mother asked her daughter if she had any questions.

"Yes, Mommy," the little girl replied. "Wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancers?"

Bubba Wants to Get Married

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart.

So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate  from high school."

Best Marksmen

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.

Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."